


Gone

by musefulstranger



Category: Disobedience (2017), Disobedience (movie), Disobedience - Fandom, Disobedience - Naomi Alderman
Genre: Disobedience, Disobedience (2017) - Freeform, Disobedience movie, Drama, F/F, book divergence, post movie canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-07 23:29:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14681730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musefulstranger/pseuds/musefulstranger
Summary: “One day I’m going to leave this place, Esti.”“Mark my words, I will be gone.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> To all my fellow disobedience fans I would like to say a few things before you proceed reading!
> 
> First of all this story is based on the movie adaptation of dir. Sebastián Lelio. I personally haven’t read Naomi Alderman’s book so there is divergence between the two worlds. I haven’t decided yet if this is going to be a stand alone story or a multichapter fic, it could be both, really depends on your feedback guys, whether you want a continuation or not.
> 
> Also I’m not Jewish and out of respect for the Jewish community I tried to limit the amount of Jewish references because I believe my knowledge is insufficient. So if there are inaccuracies you are more than welcome to point them out to me.
> 
> That’s all , happy reading! <3

* * *

 

 

_“One day I’m going to leave this place, Esti.”_

_“Mark my words, I will be gone.”_

 

* * *

 

 

She still remembers  that day, that feeling ; her knees weak, the desperation in her voice .

_“No, don’t say that. Don’t say that.”_

Hands clasped together, nails buried deep down her skin, gaze on the ground because the risk was too high.

_Don’t say that. Don’t joke about it. Don’t._

_“I mean think about it Esti, we have what , two years ‘til grad? I’m turning 17 in three months, soon they won’t have a saying anymore . We could do whatever we want.”_

_We._

She stole a glance just to see the glint in her eyes. They were so bright when she was excited.

_“And where would we go Ronit? You know the Rabbi won’t-“_

_“Oh don’t start with my father again, he has Dovid for his precious preachings to-”_

_“Talking about me again?”_

_Dovid appeared in the clearing, his glasses missing and out of breath._

_“Hey Doov, did you bring me the camera?”_

_“You owe me”, he said and laughed._

And just like that she left off sprinting towards him, her locks wilder than ever.

That was Ronit.

Her mood, her presence a shift in the wind.

Always changing. Always on the go.

She turned her back to them,  unfastened her jacket, tried to collect herself.

“Esti come over- look at this!”

“I-I ’m coming..”

The tremor in her voice was apparent, the word “gone” still tasting like blood.

 

* * *

 

 

_“She’s taking advantage of you.”_

_“You’re blind.”_

_“Do you want to be hurt again?”_

 

* * *

 

 

The kettle whistled.

Footsteps on the wood, then the creak of the door.

She hid her face deeper in the cushions, still avoiding him.

Every minute, every day a constant state of fear.

Her daily exchanges with the mirror became a necessity.

_Be strong. You want this. You need this. Be strong._

They’ve talked about it. Divorce. He contacted the new Rabbi for the Get.

Then the Bet Din procedure and afterwards, the civil divorce.

It takes time. It’s _killing_ her.

There were nights she’d swear she could feel him breathing outside her door. Waiting. Listening.

Each time leaving a small, painful sigh.

It felt like drowning.

 

* * *

 

 

“How are you?”

“I’m fine. Thanks.”

“Do you need anything?”

“No.”

“Should we contact the doctor? When is the next appointment?”

“I can handle it. Please will you let me handle it?”

“Esti...”

“I know… _please_ Dovid.”

He was trying and she was building up walls because she was good at it.

It took her years to master it.

 

* * *

 

 

_He knocked two times, then checked out his shoes._

_Feh!_

_They  were full of mud._

_“Shalom Dovid ,come, get inside.”_

_He  smiled nervously, then touched  his kippah, absentmindedly._

_“Esti?”_

_“She’s upstairs, still locked in her room."  
_

_“Can I- can I talk to her?”_

_“Of course.”_

_Dovid looked at his feet again. How could he be so careless._

_The stairs squeaked with each step, the dust prominent on the rail._

_He cleared his glasses, then stuck his ear on the door._

_Not a hint of life inside._

_“Esti?”_

_Silence._

_“I uhm, I fixed it.”_

_No answer. No movement._

_He coughed._

_“It took me all night, but -eventually- it worked.”_

_He opened his bag and took out the fragile object._

_It was an old model, a gift from his uncle when he passed away. He never used it._

_His father didn’t approve. He said he found something provocative in the art of depiction._

_“Even the flash works now, listen-”, he rambled while searching for an interesting subject to frame. The corridor was dark._

_His eyes fell upon the photo .There, over the dresser._

_It was during  Hanukkah, five years ago; just the three of them , candles in hand .Their eyes were gleaming, matching their  huge smiles, all teeth. Ronit was trying to stuff a huge latke inside Dovid’s mouth while he was pleading her to stop. Esti was looking at them fondly, not even bothering to look at the camera._

_His eyes filled with tears._

_He put the camera back in the bag and left it in Esti’s doorstep._

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“I’m really sorry.”_

_“I wish I could bring her back.”_

 

* * *

 

 

 _“This is the final boarding call on flight 482A from London to New York. Please proceed to gate four immediately_. _Thank you.”_

_Leaving was always easy, isn’t it._

_“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome onboard Flight 482A with service from London to New York. We are currently third in line for take-off and are expected to be in the air in approximately seven minutes t-"_

_Why don’t you come  to New York._

_“..-e ask that you please fasten your seatbelts at this time and secure all baggage underneath your seat or in the overhead compartments. We also ask that your seats and table trays are in the upright posit-"_

_Why don’t you come to New York and be with me._

_“-for take-off. Please turn off all personal electronic devices, including laptops and cell phones. Smoking is prohibited for the durati-“_

_Will you tell me where you are._

_“Enjoy your flight.”_

_Stupid._

 

* * *

 

 

_“This is stupid.”_

_“We can’t go with Dovid, Yeshiva doesn’t allow it and-“_

_“But it was our chance to leave Hendon for a while, run off for a couple of hours”, Ronit complained and kicked a pile of leaves._

_“It’s just a one-day trip, we can’t even go that far-”_

_“Yes but it’s been ages since the last time I went to Richmond Park. They won’t even know we’re there, they’re going to the Synagogue, come on Esti!”_

_She was doing it again. The puppy eyes._

_It was truly, truly unfair._

_“Stop it, I know what you’re doing.”_

_Ronit was smiling mischievously._

_“What?”_

_“Don’t you dare ‘what’ me-”_

_“Or else what?”_

_Ronit was slowly approaching her, her eyes inflammable._

_Sometimes it felt impossible to look away; like an unfathomable paralysis that made her mouth dry._

_She was moving backwards completely hypnotized, until her shoulder hit the trunk of an oak._

_“Coward”, Ronit murmured._

_Esti’s cheeks were burning and she hated-really hated- Ronit’s tiny knowing smirk. She wanted to wipe it away, she wanted-_

_“Say it”, Ronit breathed and touched her bottom lip._

_Her mouth was numb, her mind screaming  to say something, anything._

_“Don’t forget your camera”, Esti replied quickly- too quickly- and bit her finger instead._

_“Ouch”, Ronit reacted weakly and licked her sore limb._

_Hashem._

_Don’t look at her lips. Just don’t._

 

* * *

 

 

_“Hi this is Ronnie, I’m either away shooting or on the go, please leave your name and number along with a short message and I’ll be sure to get back to you.”_

_“You have: 3  messages._ ”

Click

_“Hey Ronnie I was trying to reach you but your phone is off, call me back as soon as you can – big photoshoot’s coming! Welcome back to the Fun City babe!”_

Click

_“ Curtis!! Heard you went to London? George’s making a gathering to celebrate his promotion , call me when you’re back I want to learn aaall the details about your trip gurl! “_

Click

_“Ronit? Oh Bubala,  Dovid told us that you left suddenly. Your uncle and I were so very happy to see you and- and oh child…may you live a long life. Your father would be so -   ”_

Click

 

* * *

 

 

_“Disappointed.”_

_“Running away with the boys? Sauntering down the park taking pictures of deers ? And taking Esti with you? What would your father say?”_

_Ronit’s mother was pacing up and down the room. She was equally furious and amused._

_“Well, he may as well not say a word if you don’t tell him”, Ronit sheepishly replied._

_“As if Professor Cantor hasn’t told him already!”_

_“Yes, but you can soften him up a bit.”_

_She looked expectantly at her mother._

_“Please?”_

_She sighed._

_“What am I going to do with you Ronit? Hmm? ”_

_“They say  the first sixteen years are harsh, then it gets better. Guess they’re wrong, then”, Ronit joked and hugged her._

_Her mother laughed and that caused her lungs to protest. She coughed hard. Ronit’s heart stopped._

_“Come, help me set dinner.”_

_Ronit didn’t dare to comment on anything else._

 

* * *

 

 

_“My mother’s dying.”_

_Esti opened her mouth. Then closed it._

_She wanted to hug her desperately but it was one of those rare moments where Ronit was opening up, so she didn’t move a muscle._

_“I keep finding blood in her towels every morning. She hides them behind the washer but I notice every time.”_

_“I’m not stupid Esti. I’m not.”_

_Her voice was so thin , almost inaudible._

_“Your mother loves you so much  Ronit- so much - she doesn’t want you to worry like-“_

_“And how can I not worry Esti ?? How can I ?”_

_Silence._

_They were  in Dollis Brook-a tributary of the River Brent - throwing out rocks on a lazy Sunday afternoon._

_Ronit was not looking at her. Her eyes were glassy but she refused to drop any tears._

_Always so stubborn._

_Esti took her hand and kissed it._

_Ronit closed her eyes briefly, then turned to her;_

_“Let’s leave this place Esti. Let’s just…go.”_

 

* * *

 

 

_The truth is, she knew._

_She just knew that eventually this day would come._

_The signs were there -too many- the words “go” and “leave”  used so frequently._

_She just refused to believe._

_She refused to believe that Ronit would disappear from her life._

_That one day, she would just cease to exist._

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey hey hey Ronnie babe, long time no see!”

“Hello Dave.”

“Oh no. I know this look. Yep, I know this look and it ain’t  good. What can I get you darling?”

“Well for starters, I need a drink.”

 

* * *

 

 


	2. Echoes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guyyyys, well first of all, thank you so much for your support, your kudos, comments and general enthusiasm!! Your encouragement gave me inspiration to continue this journey and fill in the gaps the book and movie left for interpretation! 
> 
> So, a few things have changed since my last update. I did read Naomi Alderman's book and as i've said on my blog, some things worked for me and some other not so much.  
> I would dare to say this fanfic is a hybrid of the movie and book. It's more heavy related to the movie but i've kept some things that happened in the book as well to give it a more canon shade.
> 
> I would like to mention the major things that are not canon in comparison to the book.
> 
> 1) Ronit's mother dies when Ronit is 8 in the book (or around that age i'm not sure) . In "Gone" Ronit loses her mother when she's 17.
> 
> 2) Esti and Ronit become a thing in their late teens as opposed to the book (i think in the book they have their first kiss at the age of 13 more or less)
> 
> 3)Ronit's backstory (and Esti's probably) will have a slight divergence from now on. But you know, the general feeling will follow the movie and book.
> 
> Aaaaand that's it. Enjoy! :)

 

 

_“Overhead the albatross_

_Hangs motionless upon the air_

_And deep beneath the rolling waves_

_In labyrinths of coral caves_

_The echo of a distant tide_

_Comes willowing across the sand_

_And everything is green and submarine”_

“Turn it up, Dave.”

“You got it, babe. You got it.”

 

* * *

 

 

ECHOES

 

_“Ew. This is gross.”_

_“No it isn’t-Seth, Dovid , tell her!”_

_“ …‘bet you can’t even reach the chicken tin!”_

_“Oh shut it Seth, you-you don’t even know how to spit!”_

_Ronit chuckled over Esti’s remark and added:_

_“She’s right you know, you’re just drooling all over yourself!”_

_Seth wiped his chin with his sleeve, clearly embarrassed._

_Though most of the time guarded and shy, the girl could be vicious if she wanted to, Ronit thought._

_They sat lazily under the elm, far away from the Rav’s house, beyond the hydrangea bushes._

_Dovid was lost in his own world, cleaning his glasses for the millionth time ,occasionally winking at the target, testing his vision._

_It was all Ronit’s idea, of course._

_A spit competition._

_Ten feet across from them, an old barrel gave meaning to their dull summer days._

_Their sunburned skin breathed easier under the thick shadow of the tree._

_It is said that frum clothes in summer deserved a special place in Dante’s purgatory._

_Three empty cans were set  on the wooden surface._

_The rule was plain simple: aim and spit._

_“Why”, Dovid had asked._

_“No reason”, Ronit shrugged while searching for cans or any other junk, near the beaten track._

_Seth sighed and kicked a shapeless rock. Ronit ignored him._

_“I’m too bored to even protest”, he murmured in Dovid’s ear._

_“Why don’t you try though, it’s not that hard”, she replied, before even Dovid dared to blink._

_Oh she was fast, everybody knew that._

_Most of all, Esti._

_She was resting near a log, gazing at the branch above her head._

_There hanged like a glorious trophy, an emblem of disobedience , Ronit’s tights._

_They used to run home after school and rip them apart, leave their legs naked and free._

_Nine times out of ten, Esti would injure her knees._

_‘Clumsy’, Ronit would say, until one day she didn’t._

_“Let’s become blood sisters”, she said instead and Esti would never forget._

_Now her wounds had a purpose, now their blood sealed an oath._

_Like a sacred ritual of trust, unbreakable by the years, she felt special._

_Unique._

_Ronit’s blood was running inside her wild and untamed._

_Sometimes she wondered if she could steal a fragment of her primitive nature, grease her tongue enough to break a bone or two._

_But it rarely worked that way._

_Esti was still this faint, powerless shadow of unfulfilled desires._

_She turned her head, looked at Ronit._

_Tangled hair, rolled up sleeves and a frayed skirt. Her shoes were nowhere to be found. She was talking animatedly with Dovid, trying to make a point about her newly found game, proving she won- again._

_Esti had never removed her tights in front of the boys._

_“Don’t you get bored being so obedient all the time”, one day she asked._

_“ Torah is against it Ronit, I-”_

_“Why do you always have to obey?”_

_“What force is always driving you not to?”_

_“My mother died.”_

_That’s not it._

_Esti chocked the answer that was feverishly trying to break free._

_She didn’t make a sound, her eyes magnetized by the floor._

_“You’re scared of me”, Ronit croaked taking a step back._

_Ronit was unpredictable, the whole world knew that._

_The Hendon community still remembered vividly of the day; the incident when the Rabbi’s wife died._

_“No. Never.”_

_Esti’s voice was weak, unconvincing, it made Ronit’s heart shrink._

_“You are.”_

_She knew that look, those eyes. Green and brown near the edge, like burned paper._

_Darker by the minute._

_Betrayed._

_She was going to run. She always did._

_Maybe she won’t come back this tim- Shut up._

_Shut up you stupid girl._

_She will._

_Ronit was running away far beyond the bushes, far beyond the elm._

_She’s coming back._

_She’s just upset._

* * *

 

“Keep them coming, Dave.”

“It’s one of these days, huh?”

“One of these days, yeah...”

“You know, they won’t shut no matter how you drink, baby girl.”

_The voices._

_Yes, she was aware._

It was three hours after midnight and Dave – her chummy barman - was the only constant, the only exception in her life.

Ronit smiled but her eyes were stuck on the bottom of the glass.

Melted ice, mixed with liquid amber and a mystified pair of eyes.

Was that her reflection?

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_“Bring them back.”_

_Silence._

_He wouldn’t look at her, his posture calmer than ever._

_She hated every little detail, every little thing about him._

_His long wrinkled fingers, the way he licked his forefinger to turn the pages, his dry cough every now and then._

_Sometimes she wondered if the house spoke to him the way these blank pages did._

_They weren’t blank though; she always forgot._

_Torah, they were told, is compared to water._

_“Without water, the earth would be but a thirsty husk, a parched and aching desert. Without Torah, man, too, would be only a shell, knowing neither light nor mercy. As water is life-giving, so Torah brings life to the world. Without water, our limbs would never know freshness or balm. Without Torah, our spirits would never know tranquility. As water is purifying, so Torah cleanses those it touches.” *  
_

_Her father’s voice used to calm her the days her mother was still alive, the days she still fitted in her handmade wooden bed,a present from her uncle._

_Now the tone of his voice crippled her, brought back a suffocating feeling of disconnect._

_“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”_

_She couldn’t look him in the eyes when she was lying. He could see past her every time._

_“We need to honor your mother properly. Light them up like I’ve taught you. Bring them in the living room.”_

_“No.”_

_No. These candlesticks were everything that’s left to remember. They were hers. She was supposed to keep them. To pass it on to her children. She didn’t want to share. Especially with her father._

_Silence again. Only a small, imperceptible sigh of resignation from his behalf, that hid such degradation, you could actually bath in regrets._

_She was repulsed by the fact that she could recognize him out of  million people without even looking, without even listening. This stoic figure of emptiness, that’s always in control, was leaving her inconsolable, dying inside, mourning for two._

_So rage was all that’s left._

_This house, these books, this man and his beliefs, swallowed  her mother alive._

_In the end, all she could spit out was blood._

* * *

 

 

“We were locked in the house for a month. I was seventeen and a half.”

Dave was pouring himself a drink, then carefully cleaned the ashtray which was full of Ronit’s cigarettes.

‘Blue Eve’ had closed half an hour ago but the tall, dark-haired man was so absorbed into the conversation he didn’t even flip the ‘Open’ sign.

“This is what you do, that’s the Jewish mourning ritual for close relatives: parents, children, siblings, husband or wife. In the first week, you tear your clothes, you don’t cut your hair or wash in hot water, and you cover your mirrors. You sit on a low stool and you don’t leave the house, unless you really have to. That’s the first week. Then, in the first thirty days, you can leave your house and wash, but you don’t listen to music or buy new clothes or attend parties. And at the end of the first year, they set the tombstone at the grave and you go, and you pray. And every year from then on, you light a candle on the anniversary of the death.”*

Dave was listening, without interrupting; he was always such a good listener.

How many people have sat in the same stool, drunk the same amount of alcohol and poured their hearts out, desperate for a pair of ears, for an ounce of understanding.

“Why were you in the house for a month?”

“Huh?”, Ronit replied, attempting to steal some time and prepare herself.

“You said that – in the Jewish mourning ritual- after the first week you’re allowed to leave your house. Why didn’t you do it?”

_Clever man._

Her eyes fell on the ashtray, now clean and shiny, the ghost of its dirty past nowhere to be seen.

Was she being poetic or just plain drunk?

She shook her head exactly the way her father would have done if he was there, observing her.

“I was grounded. Punished for what I did the day my mother died.”

“I won’t ask you what you did, Ronnie babe, you don’t have to tell me”.

“It’s ok Dave, I don’t have regrets anymore.”

_That was a lie._

“I did what any kid of my age would do.”

 “I rebelled.”

 

* * *

 

 

_“Ronit?”_

_“Up here...”_

_“Ugh, I can’t see a thing.”_

_“Here, give me your hand.”_

_Ronit helped her climb up the branch._

_They were sitting on their tree, stargazing beneath a moonless sky._

_“You need to promise me”, Ronit suddenly spoke._

_Esti looked at her; her faith and loyalty flooding her eyes._

_“Anything”, she said without thinking, because Ronit was holding her hand and she couldn’t think past that._

_“We will stick together, no matter what.”_

_“No matter what”, Esti repeated, like a hypnotized kid in front of a magician._

_“We need a plan.We need to go.”_

_“Escape.”_

_Ronit was holding Esti’s face with her palms, emphasizing the words, trying to make her understand the urgency._

_“Do you understand?Can you understand?”_

_“I…..I do. I will.”_

_“Ronit?”_

_“Hm?”_

_“Will you stay with me?”_

_“I am with you, already.”_

_“Will you promise though?”_

_“ I will- Oh look Esti! A falling star-quick, make a wish!”_

_And she did._

_But wishes and promises were always meant to be broken._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Excerpts from the book
> 
> The name and opening of the chapter comes from Pink Floyd's famous song "Echoes"
> 
> ps. good reviews, bad reviews,gimme reviewsss i'm just thirsty for feedbaaaaack 'kay? <3

**Author's Note:**

> Feh!: an expression of disgust; "portraying...negative feelings"
> 
> Shalom : peace (used as a word of greeting or farewell)
> 
> Get: A get or gett is a divorce document in Jewish religious law, which must be presented by a husband to his wife to effectuate their divorce. The essential part of the get is very short: the text states "You are hereby permitted to all men", which means that the woman is no longer married and that the laws of adultery no longer apply. The get also returns to the wife the legal rights that a husband holds in regard to her in a Jewish marriage.
> 
> Bet Din : Jewish court of law.
> 
> Yeshiva: is a Jewish institution that focuses on the study of traditional religious texts, primarily the Talmud and the Torah.
> 
> Hanukkah: is the Jewish eight-day, wintertime “festival of lights,” celebrated with a nightly menorah lighting, special prayers and fried foods.
> 
> Latke: Potato pancakes, made with onion and matzah or breadcrumbs
> 
> Bubala : sweetie, darling [term of endearment]
> 
> Kippah: a brimless cap, usually made of cloth, worn by Jews to fulfill the customary requirement held by Orthodox halachic authorities that the head be covered. It is usually worn by men in Orthodox communities at all times. Most synagogues and Jewish funeral services keep a ready supply of kippot.
> 
> Hashem: is used to refer to God, when avoiding God's more formal title


End file.
